Eddie's Media Corner

Eddie's Media Corner #6
 
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Ladies and Gentlemen...
The Turtles' Website Presents the first annual
"Eddie Awards"

Thank You, everyone.
Now please take your seats.
Thank You...Please...no more applause.
Whew...

And now, to open the ceremonies for 1998's Eddies, here are Callista Flockhart and Robert Downey, Jr.!!!

Nope.
Sorry.
S'just Little old me.
But listen up anyway.
'Cause I'm the only person you've ever known that will never lie to you.

In an era when MTV gives out figurines; when VH1 tells us who dressed the best; when the Oscars and the Emmies take a back seat to the Grammies; the Billboard Awards; the TV Guide Awards; the Peoples' Choice Awards; the Golden Globes and even Dick Clark's salute to himself, the American Music Awards, isn't it about time that an innocuous website carried on the tradition with one little man's opinion of what the hell HE thinks is going on out there in the world of entertainment?
Mercy, that was a long and rhetorical run-on sentence.
Never mind.
You're gonna hear from me anyway.
So just shut up.

We shall begin with the world of Music.
Of course, these days even that category is broken down into ten or twelve separate subgroups from country to alternative and from hip-hop to mainstream. Once in a while, a breakthrough recording actually crosses all boundaries and sells to all the aforementioned demographic groups at once.
That's rare these days: it's not like the sixties when a hit was a hit was a hit...
"Yesterday" by the Beatles was played on every radio station in the world when it was released.
These days, only one out of twenty radio stations would take such a risk on a ballad...especially one sung by a British male...
Nope, it's not a man's world anymore.
It's more like a Spice World.

So, let's look at the nominees for best recording for the year 1998.
On second thought, why bother?
Let's just GIVE these awards away...it's only cyberspace after all.
And energy cannot be created nor destroyed.
This year's musical Eddie Awards go to:
(in no particular order)

  • Cher
  • Rob Zombie
  • Marilyn Manson
  • Dixie Chicks
  • Eels
  • Aerosmith
and, my particular fave,
Barenaked Ladies
who remind me....
well,
of ME!
Good work, Boys...
It's nice to hear humor in music again.

And now, my favorite BOOKS of the past year.
As if you care.
(and in no particular order)

Moon, The Life and Death of a Rock Legend,
Fletcher, Tony Spike/Avon Books

Keith's amazing rise and tumultuous fall from childhood to stardom with the Who and beyond. Some help in the preparation of this definitive 600-page volume came from yours truly. A great read with accompanying photos.

Black Butterflies:A Flock on the Dark Side
Shirley, John Mark V Zeising Books

A collection of strange from the leather lad who defined the ____________punk movement. Insert your own adjective in the space provided.
John's a rocker and an unconventional author. He takes chances and so do the sixteen tales in this trade paperback volume. John wrote the lyrics for most of the last Blue Oyster Cult cd.
He does not fear the reaper; in fact I believe that they're close personal friends, but he certainly gives his readers a more-than-graphic looks at the many faces (and entrails) of fear.
Do it!

Seize The Night
Koontz, Dean Bantam Books

Even better than the first book of this new trilogy, Fear Nothing, Dean is taking advantage of the recent teen/horror audience by making his characters noticeably younger and hipper than ever before, but the mood is ever-present and always dark in hero Christopher Snow's world. And we get to see with even more depth than before his relationship with Sasha, Bobby and Orson the Dog (there's always a dog in a Dean Koontz book).
You want conspiracies...Dean'll give you conspiracies...
You want mutant lab creatures in subterranean tunnels, Dean'll .... well, you get it.
A wonderful airplane book.

...and my favorite book of 1998, given to me by Michelle as a gift I might add, is

Wood On Canvas, Every Picture Tells a Story
Wood, Ron Genesis Press, UK

This is a truly fantastic limited edition volume (though a bit pricey for some) of original artwork--mostly sketches--drawn and annotated by the Rolling Stones' brilliant guitarist.
You won't believe how good this guy is!
And what a fabulous job Genesis has done here in their choices of papers, hand bindings and reproductions. It feels good to hold this book and even better to see through Ronnie's eyes.
Genesis is also responsible for the George Harrison limited editions that are so hard to find these days and for the recent volume of early German Beatle photos that is a must-have item for the affluent completist.

Remember, these are MY faves of the year...I lead a sheltered life.
No Grisham.
No Clancy.
No John Friggin Gray
No Cat Who Could Do Diddly Squat and definitely...
No Chicken Soup for anybody...you're all on your own as far as I'm concerned.
I'm pissed off!
And if you occasionally feel the same way...
Go read

Ranting Again
Miller, Dennis    Doubleday

Volume two of the brilliant satire that has earned the 400 pound gorilla his many emmys and cable awards. Now he's got another one to add to his collection, MINE!
Great bathroom reading...each rant is about a dump's worth.
Pardon my French.

there are countless others.
Learn to read, you lovable bastards.

And now The Eddie for best movie of 1998
and the winners are...(in no particular order)

well, I really didn't get out very much this year...
I didn't see either of the "War" movies.
Nor did I see the "Elizabeth" pictures.
I liked "Out of Sight" a lot and I await the new Austin Powers' flick with unbridled anticipation...

However, "Armageddon" kicked some serious asteroid ass and it was really loud...
I loved it.
I give it a ninety-five...I could dance to it.
So I hereby give the first father-daughter Eddie Award to Stephen and Liv Tyler.
Way to go you guys!
And kudos to Bruno--Mr. Willis-- who can sell anything.
If you liked him in this one, see the small budget "Color of Night" floating around a cable channel near you. It's hella-cool.
"Godzilla" was loud and big too.
So was "Prince of Egypt," but the hero looked too much like Speilberg for my liking.
Something really wrong there.

The Eddie for Best TV shows of 1998...(in no particular order)

  • Friends....I know, I know...but it IS!
  • Frasier
  • Millennium
  • Just Shoot Me
  • The Simpsons
  • Brimstone...by the time you read this, that great show will sadly be gone.
  • The X-Files....obviously
and tied for best cult show starring great looking girls with special effects, monsters, thrashing music and other excellent treats for the eyes and ears of both sexes....

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Yes! Sarah Michelle Geller

and
Charmed...
yes, Charmed on the good old WB.
you heard right...give this show a break and fall in love with the three wiccan sisters doing only good magic and undulating seductively through the scary plot twists as only the mad genius that IS Aaron Spelling could invent.
Shannon Doherty, Allysa Millano and newcomer (!) Holly Marie Combs star.
Every teen aged boy's...and slightly older perhaps....ahem....fantasy.

In a perfect world, Jim Carrey would have gotten a nomination for The Truman Show.
Also, Flo and Eddie will win an Emmy next year for their brilliant guest spot on NBC's "Suddenly Susan" of February 8th .
Yeah, right.
Sadly, while I don't have the power to give an award to Mr. Carrey, I DO have the facelessness of the internet and all of those First Amendment freedoms on my side. Therefore, and hoping that my nose doesn't begin to grow as I type, I hereby give an "Eddie Of the Future" to Flo and me for actually being on prime time t.v. at ALL this year.
Or even continuing to breathe.
Technically that would be an award for a 1999 show, but what the hell...?
Just in case the world ends before that, I can say that, at least, I've won an Eddie.

And folks, in these troubled times, that's a hell of a lot better than winning a Monica.

Until next year, I'd like to thank my co-host Army Archard and of course, the lovely Joan and Melissa Rivers for their behind-the scenes gossip and fashion updates.
That's it, everybody...I've got a tux to return!

GOODNIGHT MRS. CALABASH, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

"eddie"
hkaylan@theturtles.com

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